The big question about relationships

I just had a one-sentence conversation with my cat today. It's a metaphor for everything.

He loves to rub against me and purr. He loves sitting in my lap. But there's one other thing: he likes to bite. It's not hard, but it's annoying. I just looked at him earnestly and said,

"Why do you bite someone who loves you?"

Mid-life

At my age (41) I hear the words which I thought I'd never hear "Mid-life". Usually coined with the word "crisis" afterwards, Mid-life seems to be on the tip of my peers' lips. And I'm thinking about why.

Some time ago, I remembered a book my mother had around the house: "Passages", by Gail Sheehy. To be quite frank, the actual title was, "Passages: The predicatable crises in adult life". The book explored how, in each decade of our (American?) lives, we come to certain maturity or wisdom... and each of these seemed to be generally repeatable by other people who may not ever meet us. The interesting part was, Ms. Sheehy was, in a long-winded way, rather dead-on.

After reading about Mid-life in that book and others, I realized that this phenomenon was not necessarily meant to be lived in fast cars and loose liasons. Mid-life wasn't about dumping a spouse or suddenly getting the urge to drive a big rig cross-country. Mid-life is, in a nutshell, a middle-life reassessment.

Okay, it's true: some men may decide that they want some trophy girlfriend instead of the tired wife ... or that he never had a sports car and that old sedan just didn't make him feel "alive". These behaviors aren't 'defining' of the man: they are simply behaviors. In the same way that a wife may get sick of a tv-watching - beer-guzzling man who pays little attention to the family. She decides that she would like a life with full participants... and she decides to start a new life looking for a partner in 'participating'.

Mid-life seems to be (in my humble opinion) just a time when we aren't "waiting" anymore. We finally notice that it's time for action; things we felt were pushed aside may be picked up again. Perhaps they are values... or people ... or hobbies ... or the open road. Mid-life seems to say, "Where am I now, and where can I go from here?"

These Mid-life issues can be anything: career, physique, friendships, physical injuries, relationships, vacations. In a way, Lance Armstrong's decision to end his bicycling career was a Mid-life decision: after 30 years on a bike, says has reassessed his priorities and has decided to 'move on'.

"Passages" also mentions that if someone tries to delay (or ignore) these Mid-life demands, those demands will return - and in more vicious temperament. Someone who feels frustrated with the entropic state of his/her homelife might begin a destructive affair instead of calmly asking his/her partner to help upgrade their lives together. Someone whose dissatisfaction with a job might find himself... well... shooting up a post office.

I discuss Mid-life with great respect; I have had many recent discussions with friends, and another one just wrote me today with his own reassessing thoughts.

I think that Mid-life reassessment is a great idea... and long as it doesn't swirl into a full-fledged tornado.

The Tao of every day

I've been under some stress recently, so it's been a pleasure when I've remembered how much I love reading. I've been reading a book called "The World's Religions" by Huston Smith, a religions scholar. It's fascinating to me to read about the different spiritual, moral, and ethical structures which reside on our earth.

Far be it for me to explain what so many better scholars, teachers, and sages have created, but it's given me some relaxation to read about allowing the universal energies to happen... one of the key words being "allowing"; not forcing, not resisting.

As the Wikipedia (the online public encyclopedia) discusses,

"In the Taoist view, simplicity and patience go hand in hand with compassion. These three qualities are inseparable.

Simplicity is a wonderful description of the style of the Taoist sage. He is not bound by any rules, authority or his own ego. He simply does what is necessary because it is necessary. He is uncomplicated and direct. He is sincere and honest. There are no hidden agendas clouding his mind. His insight is acute and incisive. His actions are pure and direct. They come straight from his true self.

His patience is the patience of someone without agendas and without an ego to obey. He has no ambitions driving him to action. He has the wisdom of someone who understands the whole, and who is not personally involved. He is part of the natural flow of things, and he has the detachment to wait until the time is right.

His compassion is all-encompassing, and includes himself. In fact, compassion springs from one's goodness to one's Self."

"Fast Weight Loss! Make Easy Money! Increase Your Sex Life!"

I participate in a weight-training online forum. Recently a subject came up which heated everyone. I wrote a post which I think is deep enough in my thoughts to share in my blog. I have no idea who reads my blog (except for Missy in WVA - hi Missy!) but if anyone reads it, this is very important to share.

The subject was regarding these programs which promise that you'll lose fat, get more muscular, make all the money of your dreams, increase your mental power , get more sex, better sex, look younger . . . blah blah blah. You've heard it all.

These ads are mostly online and by email, but can also be found in some magazines. They are "testimonial style", crafted with certain words, and sometimes phrases are highlighted in the morass of text which your eye can barely read. The copy (that means, the actual words) are chosen with the most impact in mind. Here's what always gets me: they say that "this information is soooo valuable that it would be worth $500 - but we are giving it to you for the low price of $150, and throwing in these free e-books worth over double that $500..."

That being said, I have participated in presentations where the marketers have decided to use these tactics. I respectfully requested that they consider other tactics, but, since it wasn't my project, they went their own manner. That's perfectly alright. I have never felt, and hopefully will never feel, that these marketing tactics are appropriate.

Ignore the crap and focus on what you feel is integrity-ful. If those letters/programs in your e-mailbox or on your screen are crap, ignore them and laugh :)

If they pique your interest, find out more. You'll discover (one way or another) the real truth: either you will be changed forever, or you would have helped someone get a new boat.

It's that simple.

I laugh my head off about people with "programs". Honestly. You should see the ones I get in my e-mailbox also.

Some people just learn the FORMULAEIC (sp?) (uh: "formula'd") way of MARKETING the product (or program). They use buzz words and particular ways of advertising which get some people buying. A SMART person doesn't get entranced by buzzwords or phrases. But others are. Anything that makes you "buy now", "hurry", "fast, easy", "my life changed, and it was easy" is a scam. Nothing GOOD and WORTHWHILE is easy. (Simple, maybe: not easy)

And there are no "promises": only progress.

It always makes me laugh that many of these "experts" also have a part of their website(s) where they tell others "How to make the money of your dreams in online marketing". Hmmm. How telling.

It's up to each individual how they want to present themselves (and their business), what business they have, and how (or whether) to be full of INTEGRITY about that.

Me? I've been told (by "pros" * ) to scrap my current website, change it to the screaming-headlines "testimonial-style", and offer my knowledge/coaching via "pay for info" products. At the moment, I won't do it. Not a whit. And my wallet is the poorer for it --- but my SPIRIT feels just ducky. I have no boat, my car is 6 years old now (really? Honda makes an awesome car!), and I haven't bought new clothes since I-don't know-when. But I sleep well at night regarding my BUSINESS ETHICS.

I want the buyer to beware. Stop being scammed, if some of those advertisements are scams in marketing language which grabs you emotionally. I want the buyer to learn how to GROW UP and BE WISE : do your research.

I have a personal way of looking at advertisements: sometimes the subtler, the more truthful it is. Less "yelling". They know that what they are selling can stand the test of time. They know you can research it. They know that they don't have 10-seconds to grab your attention or you'll buy elsewhere. They want a quality customer who is not looking for a quick fix -- and will have a disastrous, quick-fix mentality.

It's kind of like the martial art aikido: to get a blackbelt, it takes many years of hard work, self-reflection, inward change, body understanding, sensitivity, ... and the black belt is considered "just proficient" or "just beginning to know". Nothing fast, but it's incredible for those who do it.

Have a thoughtful day.

* PS: the "pros" who tell me to change my website have fancy expensive cars and probably second houses. I don't. But, to me, it's like junk bonds: someone is making money off someone's else's gullibility.
I'm not a Buddhist, but I like the Buddhist thought of "Right Livelihood": "one should earn one's living in a righteous way and that wealth should be gained legally and peacefully". To me, 'righteous, legal and peaceful' means that I give people their hard-earned money's worth.

Saving us from ourselves

I read an article today which fascinated me: "Save Me From Myself".

The article was discussing "akrasia" (coined by the ancient Greek philosphers Socrates and Aristotle), "those attacks of weak will that lead us to satisfy fleeting desires at the expense of our own acknowledged long-term interests."

Interesting: the article focuses not on how to have strong will, but on a growing trend toward creating situations where we are "parented" by an outside entity (government restriction or person) so we are relieved of the burden of parenting ourselves.

Here's a quote from the article:

"Parentalism is in a sense more insidious: It emerges when we begin to suspect that we ourselves are not competent to make our own choices, to yearn for someone to relieve us of the burden of choice."

How many times have we seen this? People who cannot/will-not make healthy choices for themselves and need others to do it for them. Spouses who rely on spouses to 'keep them in line', monitor their food, turn off the TV. Or worse yet, we have a culture which needs laws to keep people from doing things that they shouldn't be doing in the first place.

Another quote:

"... The true parentalist wants to escape not just the burdens of the act of choosing, but the responsibility for making a poor choice. Voluntary market mechanisms for filtering or restraining choice will always, ultimately, have an escape clause: We can fire the personal trainer or tell our friends we've changed our minds about that diet or quitting smoking after all. And, in the final analysis, they allow us only to defer responsibility, not avoid it".

It's an interesting article... read it for yourself.
Article: "Save Me From Myself"

Seek who you are

I am discovering something:

If you want to know "who you are" [deep inside], do something different than what you've been doing. It's very interesting...

What I mean is, we (people) seem to be a cluster of habits and interests. Some habits are good for us. Some habits are bad for us. Nevertheless, they are ingrained inside our preferences and muscles ... and our "interests" are those things which 'turn us on' or make us passionate about living.

In my coaching practice, I advocate awareness. This means that we realize what we are doing and what is around us. When we take a step back from our habits and interests, that is, step back so we are on the precipice of not engaging in those activities, we can really see that we crave those activities. When we are aware of our craving, we can set about the task of understanding our habits or interests.

Example:

I have always done creative projects and crafts. Since I was a child, I had always had glue and bits of fluff, and crayons and all those sorts of things. I thought it was part of growing up, and that all children did these things.

As I grew, I attended art college. Yet, while I attended college, I performed shows; it was natural to me to make all of my costumes and create my own props. Then I would create my own "audition" videos, brochures, and continued making my own performance needs. This was natural to me -- and I was genuinely astounded when other performers did do the same thing, preferring to purchase their needs and hire others (sometimes while whining about these vendors) to do their marketing.

I have created my own websites, designed and sewed my own costumes, even made my own props. I created things like a light-up sequined top-hat, sewed a new umbrella-cover, fabricated a 4-airbrush rig. (evidence of my work can be seen on my website: Snake Oil Productions) But I digress....

Recently, I have been focusing on my coaching career and spent little time in my workshop. My paintings have gone unpainted, I have not created performance-marketing materials, and my costume closet has stayed exactly as I had left it. For about 2 years, I have been coasting on memories and past evidence on what I had created - but had created almost nothing myself, save for painting a couple of walls. My hands remained distinctly and achingly unsullied.

Something had been gnawing at me in the interim of my "hiatus". In the beginning, I thought that I could re-focus my energies elsewhere (my coaching career: this needed no dirty hands or bits of cloth, or hours in a workshop). Then I began to feel a bit empty. My life, however filled with happy moments, had little creativity: not the thrill of designing something, the raw joy of shopping for supplies, not the terror of messing up while mid-work, not the burst of proud "birth" after the project was achieved. I was, in fact, mostly just a consumer.

Something in me started dying. Despite all the love and interesting things in my life, I was dying, trying to become "a new creature" (as biblical scriptures had called it) when there were parts of the "old me" which were still serving my heart, soul, and the world... why did I put all my old projects down? A combination of events, all seeming separate but truly, after all was said and done, set in motion to decipher who I really am.

Several weeks ago I started again on a project which I had put away since my divorce: a new painted tire-cover, this one with the design of Botticelli's Venus.
And yesterday, I embarked on a new project with only a thought in my head and the dream of making a little girl happy: I made a flower head-garland suitable for a faerie-princess.

I feel a sense of "completeness" when I gaze on these works... completeness inside myself, as if I am able to wring out stuff from inside me which needs to be birthed. Maybe it's oddly prophetic that I am painting the Birth of Venus ;)

This long-winded post aside (and I haven't yet embarked on the idea of ingrained habits), I realize that sometimes it is only when missing something can we find out its true value. It is in that "space", (that open space, that hole that the lack of the thing creates) that we can seek its value.

It is NOT "absence making the heart grow fonder".

It is realizing the absence of something which makes our heart be PASSIONATE.

Soooo gone lately

Sorry for people who have been reading this blog and I have gone missing... I've been doing my best Clara Barton for someone very special who has undergone hand surgery. I've actually started this blog several times and had been called away, so if you've missed me, my sincerest apologies.

However, while "nursing", I've discovered many interesting things:

• One CAN do things with one hand...
• ... it's just not whatsoever easy, fast, or by rote
• "Nursing" can encompass any amount of care for someone: getting a drink of water, tying shoes, washing dishes, running errands, doing laundry, fluffing pillows, even scratching a back. Civil War nurses (such as Clara Barton) were not necessarily skilled in any "medicine"; they simply wanted to help the sick and wounded soldiers. "Helping" is almost anything.
• Even if the "patient" doesn't always say thank you, know deep inside that he/she appreciates the care
• Some medical personnel remember the issues that the patient encounters; although these procedures are routine for the staff, they are not routine for the patient. Some procedures and encounters are painful, fatiguing, uncomfortable, confusing, and difficult. the best medical personnel are the ones who approach every patient's experiences through the patient's eyes, not through the been-there-done-that attitude of the tired, workworn self.

My laptop computer seems to be ill as well; the display has gone out and I am only able to use it currently while hooked to an external monitor. I am endeavoring to seek solutions, although a $700 replacement of a new display screen was not exactly part of my budget.

Meanwhile, as I sort out my assisting and computer issues, enjoy the Daily Om:
This article changes every day:

The Daily Om

Laziness

I wrote an article about laziness the other day. It seems to be a theme which keeps coming up: why people don't do what they know is important for them.

I've done this two ways:
thinking about our "free will" vs. our "free won't"
and
laziness

What struck me today is "What can be a cure for laziness?" ... certainly, it's not possible to always say to ourselves, "Don't be lazy!" and that's all it takes to stop it once and for all. The gap is wider than that.

Here's what I started on. It's in a sidebar in my Laziness article, but I'm still chewing on this... it came to me while I was trying to avoid doing my morning dishes. I was about to pass them by ("I won't do them now... I hate doing dishes... I'll just leave them for later...") when I realized that I wouldn't want to do them later, either. So I said to myself, "What would it feel like to do the dishes now?"

Then this part of the article came:

-------------------

Experiment for Laziness:

Here's something to try, which is easy... when you have a task or activity to do and you feel that "laziness" coming on (you know what that feels like: "I don't want to do it!!"), try doing it anyway. Mindfully --that means, with all thought-- do the activity, and think about it. I'm not suggesting that you love it; you aren't supposed to love everything!

Just think about doing that task: think about the fact that you are doing it anyway, despite every cell in your body wants to go somewhere else or be doing something else, maybe even relaxing! Try not to just grumble negatively about how you hate it; just think about the task and your previous thoughts about not doing it.

Quite possibly, your mind will start calming down. You may start feeling like the task isn't too bad --- or you may be proud of yourself for accomplishing it when you would normally put off the task!

Here's the best part... you might even discover that what you've been doing was DREADING the task - when the activity itself wasn't all that bad! That's a case of perception versus reality : we often perceive something to be worse than it really is. Worse yet, the "dreading" may take more time and negative thoughts than the activity itself.

That's "mindfulness": attention on what you are doing, and what you need to do, instead of the perception of it.

Contrasts give us gratitude and appreciation

Today I brought my car into the shop...

I accidentally went to the wrong dealership (same "automotive group" name, wrong auto manufacturer). The one where I first arrived was crowded with cars in the lanes, so my car was boxed-in and I was very confused. When I finally found my way into the service area, it was complete chaos; no one was helping customers, and, after a while, someone finally stabbed the question at me, "Yeah? What do you want?" It was a war zone. It felt like survival in the trenches.

I felt anxious on the outside, continually meditating on the inside, trying to keep my peace.

When I discovered that yes, I was at the wrong dealership (WHEW!), I made my way into the correct one. Honda. Wow, was a wonderful place: quiet location, accomodating, attentive, quick, hospitable (gave me a free rental car for the day!). It was like a cool drink on a hot day to work with them! It was like entering a veritable resort: they (unlike the other dealership?) realized that service and care was actually what that building was there for.

Gratitude washed over me. Appreciation. Joy at discovering this "haven" of service - and not simply for the wealthy, but for all. This dealership -- this business -- realized that happy (non-complaining) customers come from hospitable service!

Even bigger lesson: how much that "hospitality" and customer care --- HUMAN care --- is important. Even the smallest things, perhaps even saying hello, made a difference. Their service wasn't plastic or phony. . . something to remember in all my ventures.

The Internet ...

People who want to see the Internet as sending civilization "to hell in a handbasket" aren't seeing the full capacity of what a global community could be. I'm not saying anything new here, but I'm simply living proof.

Sure, the Internet is fueled by two things: capitalism (most website are just digital 'brochures' for selling something) and sex (thus proving the 'selling something' aspect). Most people do want more money and more pleasure.

However, when I realize that I am truly conversing with someone across the planet in real-time , simply blows my mind. Please don't let yourselves take that for granted... imagine all those pioneers who waited patiently for weeks while the Pony Express brought letters. Or before that, ships carried letters for months - and only if you had enough money and a fancy wax seal to guard against brigands opening your missive.

I remember when I first saw the World Wide Web. It was the "new" incarnation of graphic interfaces, an old browser called Mosaic. (1993?) This was before Netscape or Internet Explorer. I was explained what the WWW was... and it took me a long time to understand what "hypertext" was... and what "linking" was... imagine, trying for the first time to understand that I could be travelling from place to place in the blink of an eye!

I was so excited that I taught myself how to code web pages from scratch. I taught myself how to write HTML. I was the cutting edge... this was long ago when domain names were expensive. I had a website. I was there: part of something which "links" in that Web.

In my own lifetime (I'm 41), I've seen:

• TV come into its own.
• Home computers arose where there was once only mainframes.
• These home computers went from a few people with text-only screens, to almost everyone having one - and in all sizes, weights, colors, and speed.
• Record albums phased out, and CDs became "it".
• I saw VHS tapes come in (we were the first on our block), and now we have DVDs with interactivity.
• When I was young, no one had answering machine... and now, everyone has cell phones which fit in the palm of their hand. My PDA palm is a mini computer, too.

Meet your neighbors. They are right over there... only 5,000 miles away :) . Your grandmother couldn't do that at your age, so why don't you?

The Myth of Fingerprints...

The myth of fingerprints*... the idea that we are all completely unique (like fingerprints). I have been finding that there is more binding us to human similarity than utter differences.

I've started watching this wonderful PBS series on DVD: "The Power of Myth" with Bill Moyer interviewing Joseph Campbell, one of the most wise and spiritual writers (and dreamers) who has lived in the 20th century. I sat in rapt fascination and understanding of how my burgeoning awareness of things "bigger than I am" is actually a story told by generations for thousands of years - and across the planet. The original Star Wars is an example of the supreme power of myth.

The apologeticists (people who use logic to "prove" the Bible) dislike Campbell (see one commentary here) but Campbell is one man offering one set of thoughts... and designed to invite people to decide for themselves.

Already blogged by someone else, here is a demo of what Joseph Campbell was discussing. This is only an example of Campbell's work: that all the world, throughout time, have the same thoughts, directions and dreams. (The highlights in green are my emphasis.)

NOTE: some of these quotes are taken OUT(!) OF SENTENCES from what Mr. Campbell had said. (I repeat that these were transcribed by someone else...) ... yet, given that I have no other transcription method I'll offer this fake transcription. This is as good as I'm going to get - this DVD is worth a rent! "The Power of Myth" is vast and expansive. Joseph Campbell has an extreme respect for the human spirit and human growth, but he is not held by any dogma. he respects the Christian as much as the Buddhist and the Hindu... and, especially of all, he respects the human experience to learn and grow.

Excerpts from "Joseph Campbell - The Power of Myth, with Bill Moyers"

MOYERS: But aren’t many visionaries and even leaders and heroes close to the edge of neuroticism?

CAMPBELL: Yes, they are.

MOYERS: How do you explain that?

CAMPBELL: They’ve moved out of the society that would have protected them, and into the dark forest, into the world of fire, of original experience. Original experience has not been interpreted for you, and so you’ve got to work out your life for yourself. Either you can take it or you can’t. You don’t have to go far off the interpreted path to find yourself in very difficult situations. The courage to face the trials and to bring a whole new body of possibilities into the field of interpreted experience for other people to experience – that is the hero’s deed.

-------------------------------------

CAMPBELL: The reference of the metaphor in religious traditions is to something transcendent that is not literally any thing. If you think that the metaphor is itself the reference, it would be like going to a restaurant, asking for the menu, seeing beefsteak written there, and starting to eat the menu.

For example, Jesus ascended to heaven. The denotation would seem to be that somebody ascended to the sky. That’s literally what is being said. But if that were really the meaning of the message, then we have to throw it away, because there would have been no such place for Jesus literally to go. We know that Jesus could not have ascended to heaven because there is no physical heaven anywhere in the universe. Even ascending at the speed of light, Jesus would still be in the galaxy, Astronomy and physics have simply eliminated that as a literal, physical possibility, But if you read "Jesus ascended to heaven" in terms of its metaphoric connotation, you see that he has gone inward – not into outer space but into inward space, to the place from which all being comes, into the consciousness that is the source of all things, the kingdom of heaven within. The images are outward, but their reflection is inward. The point is that we should ascend with him by going inward. It is a metaphor of returning to the source, alpha and omega, of leaving the fixation on the body behind and going to the body’s dynamic source.

MOYERS: Aren’t you undermining one of the great traditional doctrines of the classic Christian faith – that the burial and the resurrection of Jesus prefigures our own?

CAMPBELL: That would be a mistake in the reading of the symbol. That is reading the words in terms of prose instead of in terms of poetry, reading the metaphor in terms of the denotation instead of the connotation.

MOYERS: And poetry gets to the unseen reality.

CAMPBELL: That which is beyond even the concept of reality, that which transcends all thought. The myth puts you there all the time, gives you a line to connect with that mystery which you are.

Shakespeare said that art is a mirror held up to nature. And that’s what it is. The nature is your nature, and all of these wonderful poetic images of mythology are referring to something in you. When your mind is simply trapped by the image out there so that you never make the reference to yourself, you have misread the image.

The inner world is the world of your requirements and your energies and your structure and your possibilities that meets the outer world. And the outer world is the field of your incarnation. That’s where you are. You’ve got to keep both going. As Novalis said, "The seat of the soul is there where the inner and outer worlds meet."

-------------------------------

MOYERS: In classic Christian doctrine the material world is to be despised, and life is to be redeemed in the hereafter, in heaven, where our rewards come. But you say that if you affirm that which you deplore, you are affirming the very world which is our eternity at the moment.

CAMPBELL: Yes, that is what I’m saying, Eternity isn’t some later time. Eternity isn’t even a long time. Eternity has nothing to do with time. Eternity is that dimension of here and now that all thinking in temporal terms cuts off. And if you don’t get it here, you won’t get it anywhere. The problem with heaven is that you will be having such a good time there, you won’t even think of eternity. You’ll just have this unending delight in the beatific vision of God. But the experience of eternity right here and now, in all things, whether thought of as good or as evil, is the function of life.

------------------------------------

CAMPBELL: This is an absolute necessity for anybody today. You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don’t know what was in the newspapers that morning, you don’t know who your friends are, you don’t know what you owe anybody, you don’t know what anybody owes to you. This is a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be, This is the place of creative incubation. At first you may find that nothing happens there. But if you have a sacred place and use it, something eventually will happen.

-------------------------------------

MOYERS: So the experience of God is beyond description, but we feel compelled to try to describe it?

CAMPBELL: That’s right. Schopenhauer, in his splendid essay called "On an Apparent Intention in the Fate of the Individual," points out that when you reach an advanced age and look back over your lifetime, it can seem to have had a consistent order and plan, as though composed by some novelist. Events that when they occurred had seemed accidental and of little moment turn out to have been indispensable factors in the composition of a consistent plot. So who composed that plot? Schopenhauer suggests that just as your dreams are composed by an aspect of yourself of which your consciousness is unaware, so, too, your whole life is composed by the will within you. And just as people whom you will have met apparently by mere chance became leading agents in the structuring of your life, so, too, will you have served unknowingly as an agent, giving meaning to the lives of others, The whole thing gears together like one big symphony, with everything unconsciously structuring everything else. And Schopenhauer concludes that it is as though our lives were the features of the one great dream of a single dreamer in which all the dream characters dream, too; so that everything links to everything else, moved by the one will to life which is the universal will in nature.

It’s a magnificent idea – an idea that appears in India in the mythic image of the Net of Indra, which is a net of gems, where at every crossing of one thread over another there is a gem reflecting all the other reflective gems. Everything arises in mutual relation to everything else, so you can’t blame anybody for anything. It is even as though there were a single intention behind it all, which always makes some kind of sense, though none of us knows what the sense might be, or has lived the life that he quite intended.

MOYERS: And yet we all have lived a life that had a purpose. Do you believe that?

CAMPBELL: Wait a minute. Just sheer life cannot be said to have a purpose, because look at all the different purposes it has all over the place. But each incarnation, you might say, has a potentiality, and the mission of life is to live that potentiality. How do you do it,’ My answer is, "Follow your bliss." There’s something inside you that knows when you’re in the center, that knows when you’re on the beam or off the beam, And if you get off the beam to earn money, you’ve lost your life. And if you stay in the center and don’t get any money, you still have your bliss.

MOYERS: I like the idea that it is not the destination that counts, it’s the journey.

CAMPBELL: Yes. As Karlfried Graf Durckheim says, "When you’re on a journey, and the end keeps getting further and further away, then you realize that the real end is the journey."

The Navaho have that wonderful image of what they call the pollen path. Pollen is the life source, The pollen path is the path to the center. The Navaho say, "Oh, beauty before me, beauty behind me, beauty to the right of me, beauty to the left of me, beauty above me, beauty below me, I’m on the pollen path,"

* The Myth of Fingerprints
by Paul Simon
(on the Graceland album)
... It was the myth of fingerprints
I've seen them all and man
They're all the same

Heat

This weekend was the first warm weekend of the summer. Washington, DC normally has sticky, humid summers which begin almost clockwork on Memorial Day weekend: a fine "howdy-do" of surprise misery without so much as a slow spiral into the summery temperatures. This year, Memorial Day weekend was glorious in weather, but the following weekend, this past weekend, was an adventure in hazy sunshine... and sweat.

But... before you say, "This is a modern culture with modern amenities like air-conditioning", what I'm speaking about is the sweat inside my house. My house, not even 5 years old, was 85-degrees over the weekend, with air-conditioning on full-blast and confused cats looking at me in overheated concern.

I was even offered some fine advice: "old houses are built better and they are like iceboxes when conditioned well..." didn't help much. I panted like a poodle. My hair curled in the misty humidity. I thought about how much money I throw at the electric company for the effort of the air... which wasn't conditioning me.

Here's my point: I used to live outside, around the country, in a van and then a little trailer. I performed on the Renaissance Festival circuit, when living quarters were anything which shaded from sun and protected from rain. Usually, that was the full deal: very little modernity, definately no frosty air to cool the day or night.

And now, far removed from my many years on the road, I sweat under an electric fan and I whine about it.

I now choose to be grateful for having a place (at all!) for my stuff and indoor plumbing... and even a phone to call the air-conditioning repairman. What's a few beads of sweat in exchange for the reminder of how glorious my life is?

Desire as disappointment

This weekend I was assisting at a convention in Philadelphia as a volunteer; I was investigating this convention possibly to be a vendor one day. Being a volunteer gave me an 'inside track' to the attendees as well as to the management.

This convention is hobby-driven; the attendees come from other states to pursue their hobbies, make purchases, hear speakers, and even obtain autographs from people within the industry. Thus, there is a vibrancy to the air: the interest and the desire comes from deep within each attendee.

One job I was given was to watch over a line of people waiting to speak to a famous industry professional. My job was to stand at the end of the line with a sign that stated the end of the line: the professional had only a finite amount of time with the line. It was my job to politely end the line.

What I noticed was that many people tried to cajole me to allow them to join the line. This was very understandable: they missed the window of time to enjoin the line. What I surprised me was the reactions to the end of the line. Grown adults were actually pouting, pushing out a quivering lip of disappointment. They looked at me with forced sad eyes, and even tried to convince me that their entire weekend would have been a waste if they didn't look this one man in the face for 25 seconds and an autograph.

My head was a whirl of thoughts: not only did the convention offer 3 full days of programming, activities, quality vendors, other professionals for lectures and signings, and comeraderie, but these folks were actually allowing their disappointment to color their weekend. Over and over they would return to me to stand and sulk, a "boo-boo-face" curling their lip. I can only assume that they believed that their sulking was going to influence me to let them into line. (Little did they consider that I could not let every person who sulked into line).

Their desire for this one signature was overtaking their ability to enjoy the rest of the weekend; so much so that they were convincing themselves that the weekend was a complete bust if they didn't do this one signature event.

We all create value to events, activities, objects, and people in our lives. This is a human fact. We create our own value systems, and each person's value doesn't always match another's. Values are good. Values are internal barometers of who we are and what is important to us.

However, "value" is taken to a new degree when desire is added: the desire which says, "If I don't get this thing that I am desiring, my life is somehow limited, reduced, or devalued." This is seen in many ways: people who sulk about their wardrobe if it doesn't have designer labels, people who are depressed because they want a fancy car and they only have a 'regular' car, people who can't get their spouses to do what they want them to do. This means that we get so very attached to the idea of the object.

It is fine to appreciate something, someone or an activity: it means that we find it valuable. We may even try to move closer to it, investigating if it works well in our lives. What hurts is when we decide that our desire for it overrides our peace: we are miserable if we don't get that thing. Our lives somehow go down the drain because we are unfulfilled from our desire.

The Buddhists discuss that it is attachment to something we desire which causes our suffering. It is not our value of that object, event or person which causes the suffering; it is that we feel that without those things, our lives are belittled, wincing, limping in its absence. Their philosophy is simple: stop being attached. This doesn't mean we de-value things (or people) in our lives; it's that we see the value and stop thinking our lives are belittled without it. We can appreciate a relationship, a situation, or a thing, but we shouldn't stake our happiness on obtaining it - and being disappointed if it doesn't come to us.

The Judeo-Christian tradition has a similar manner of considering this: they say to pray about the circumstance and then let God decide whether you should receive it; release your desire to the Divine. The faithful continues to pray, but scripture says that God decides what's good for the pray-er anyway. In this case as well, the "active" desire still doesn't help. Scripture says, essentially, to release the attachment... the pray-er's responsibility was upheld to communicate to the Divine, and that was accomplished; the obtaining of the desired situation is considered secondary to the process of considering, appreciating, and then praying/communication.

The reality is, that we don't always get what we desire.

Back to the "boo-boo faces": perhaps they will learn balance in their desires. If the loss of one 25-second meeting with a busy professional can ruin their weekend (or week), what could a vast illness do to devestate them? Or a house fire? Or a traffic accident? If they don't learn to mitigate their desires, how would they learn to deal with real problems in more difficult circumstances?

A line floats into my head from a favorite movie, The Princess Bride: "Get used to disappointment." The words describe how we need to learn to deal with the less-optimum circumstances in our lives. If we deal with the less-optimum situations of our lives, might we also have gratitude for what we do have, what we do encounter, and what is within our grasp without "hoping"? I'm not saying we should be without hope; I'm just suggesting not to be attached to what we wish for, in case we don't get it.

Having perspective on ourselves, our lives, our belongings, our relationships, is how we grow and become peaceful.

The blog as spiritual practice

Everyday I read a blog called jack/zen (www.jackzen.com), written by a corporate-coach/corporate-facilitator in Cleveland, OH. I've met Jack; a calm, interested and interesting man, his quiet demeanor may speak of his introspective interior. I really respect his work, his thoughts and his blog.

So many people blog. It's so typical today, that everybody dumps their thoughts: some good, some personal, some only that their friends need to hear so they don't write the same things to every friend.

I asked Jack why he blogs. His answer: "It's part of my practice". I fully understood... and made it part of my practice to read his words.

Jack is a Buddhist, so the term "practice" is used quite frequently in Buddhist traditions; it means that to create (and re-create) ourselves, we must practice good things. (The word "good" here is relative; I only use it to distinguish from evil). We cannot be perfect all the time, yet to purposely set about to "practice" our intentions to improve. Within the intention of practicing, we might slip; practicing does not mean perfection, as practicing a piano lesson might improve upon last week's playing but might not make us worthy for Carnegie Hall.

We all "practice". In my coaching, I don't demand fitness "boot-camp" perfectionsim; nor do I ask it of myself. I have a general set of guidelines for health and/or leanness, yet without stringency. I know deeply that straying from healthful eating would bring me physical ramifications (for example, a sugar product would get me ill!) So I practice healthy eating.

For Jack, his practice of blogging sets him on the 'right' path for the day: thinking deeply about the world around him, considering compassion for himself and others, and, with those thoughts, growing.

I too, grow when I get outside myself... and practice.

Mirrors of ourselves... man as island, or continent?

There is an old quote, "No man is an island"*. The implication is that we are all interconnected. . . yet, we are also reminded, sometimes admonished, not to be affected by anyone else's value of us.

When is it right to be our own island, to go our own way, and not give a fig what anyone else cares of us? This island says that our view is the right view, and damn all others who see differently, for our drummer is only our own.

And when it is right for us to use the mirror of our peer group, of our loved ones, as a guiding rein for our offsides actions or mistaken movements? This mirror says that we use the reflection as an indication of the veracity of our ideas. When the mirror feels hurt, we have obviously made a mistake...and must correct the sailing course?

Is life a series of dances, where we learn sometimes to make mistakes on our own, and sometimes to seek the mirrors? This is so very hard, knowing whether we are right in our perceptions.

No matter what, we are not islands, no matter how much we pretend we are. We are all interconnected; our actions do affect others. It is only self-involved people who think otherwise. Look at them all: people who think that their behavior affects no one else.

* No man is an island, entire of itself
every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
if a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were,
as well as if a manor of thy friends or of thine own were
any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind
and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls
it tolls for thee.
-- John Donne

What tips our lives?

I have just picked up a book called "The Tipping Point". I haven't read it yet; but the premise is this: that anything, at any time, can be the thing which causes a sensation. It could be a 'good' sensation (like a sudden burst of humanitarian efforts due to one incredible program), or a 'bad' sensation (like the Columbine school shooting spree in the Colorado, USA, school - which other kids now copycat).

My effort is to bring compassion and awareness into our lives. My particular passions happen to be wellness and also entertainment. It's for people to see that there is hope - possibility - and gentleness, while also realizing the "truth" that "nothing begets nothing": if you aren't aware, you can't get healthier.

If you aren't aware - you will also keep your friendships, work relationships, and your world-interactions at a superficional (1- or 2- dimensional) level. Perhaps that what someone wants to do: stay stuck, stay closed, stay small, stay hurt, stay unhealthy, stay unhappy, stay addicted, stay frustrated with life, stay lonely, stay in a dark apartment without sunlight, stay drunk, stay broke. That is a choice.

But it's also a choice to meet the world as it truly is, partake in 'possibilities', banish our fears, embark on adventures, love deeply, become healthy & strong...

The best thing to know is that you can have awareness --and change -- at any time.

The race

I read a wonderful blog today, from an acquaintence in Cleveland: a corporate facilitator and coach, and Zen Buddhist:

April 26, 2005
Not so fast there ...
We want instant food, instant knowledge, instant networks, instant growth, instant trust, instant innovation, instant transformation, instant sustainability.
What does it take to realize that depth is the casualty of speed?

(www.jackzen.com)

This quote comes after I've been reading books about being mindful, slowing down to pause and consider what's happening in a given moment. Slowing down gives us a chance to see a situation as it is, not from habituated reactions and theatrical (actor-like) ideas.

When we slow down and see things truly, deeply, "mindfully", we stop the movie which is playing in our mind about that situation. Disappointment comes when we have a different impression of what's occuring - when we play our "movie" alongside reality. But what if we can see reality? What if we are fully present to what's occurring, and others are with us, intimately, doing the same thing?

It takes longer to see mindfully, to pause and reflect, to ask and to understand, to notice, than to barrel through our "movie" of what's occurring. .. yet, how many lives would be saved if addicts stopped pushing aside reality and attended to problems? If workaholics just came home from work, and hugged their families?

If we know how badly we feel after eating fast ("junk") food, why don't we remember what our spirits and lives feel the same way after living fast (junk) moments??

We need to remember our primitive human-ness

Today I read an article on the body storing fat . The article (mentioned on the front page of my website), mentions that our bodies, which are still based on primitive mechanisms, will store fat; if we don't exercise (or eat) on a regular basis, our bodies assume we will never eat again, and we will store our fat until its needed by the body for protection or energy sources. In essence, our bodies become like hibernating bears in winter, needing to protect themselves for survival later through the cold months.

Ever wonder why you get goofy when you haven't eaten (or have eaten badly)? Your body is trying to take sustenance from your tissues to fuel your brain, the "control center" of the body, to keep the rest of the body alive! The unfortunate thing is, that the body will give up muscle tissue first -- the very thing which your body needs to stay lean -- and your brain capacity is reduced so that the basic survival features of the brain (pumping the heart, etc) can receive prime attention. The stored fat will go untouched for a very long time. What's worse, the damage which can be inflicted to yourself (and even mental damage on others, if you have an emotional tirade or 'meltdown') can be a very long-lasting reminder of your unhealthful decisions.

This means that anyone who skips meals is actually INCREASING their fat storage, not reducing it. This is, again, a basic primitive physical survival mechanism.

Moving on in my thoughts about our primitive nature, I started thinking about our natural tendencies to over-think problems, or even get overly excited about difficulties. If I return to the idea that we are merely primitive humans who just have a few fascinating toys (like cars, computers, cell phones...), it's natural that our minds work overtime for our survival. Buddhists say that "Thoughts are not truth; they are merely thoughts"; but our minds create the 'concrete-ness' of these thoughts. I think it's a primitive mental survival mechanism from long ago: perceived dangers get our attention faster.

We want to feel safe, protected, nurtured, and satiated. While this can go overboard (ie: some people overeat to feel emotionally safer), this is essentially the basic premise of our human existance. By eating regularly and healthfully, we nurture our bodies without 'want'. By surrounding ourselves with loving and safe people, we don't explode into quivering nervous wrecks.

Explained in other words, if we live our lives from healthful situations, we don't have to play catch-up with 'want' or desire or unfulfillment. . . we have to learn to recognize situations of unhealth, if "dis-ease".

Examples:

- If someone eats junk food (or skips meals altogether), not only does the brain shut down from lack of nutrients, but the body shuts down and the mind also. Solution: learn to make wise choices of food, so the brain and body can work optimally - and the emotions can be stable.

- If someone is feeling uneasy because of a relationship, he/she is no longer feeling "safe"; this will leave the mind 'wanting' and become anxious and nervous. All sorts of imbalances in the mind (and anxiety in the body) can occur. Solution: learn to recognize the patterns of unhealthy relationships and learn to see clearly. This needs to be done in an atmostphere where we are not distracting ourselves with time-consuming addictions or 'hobbies', which take our minds away from solving the problems. Learn how to take steps to change or leave the situation.

This is very hard. We are not a culture where we have been trained to look at the root problems, and solve them concretely. We have therapists who "just listen" ('talk therapy'), so that we 'get it out', and that's supposed to be a solution. Or we are told to distract ourselves. Or, as a culture, we are told to just immerse ourselves in a hobby. And, we have so many marketing people pushing junk food on us, which chemically-excite our bodies so we can't hear its cries for real sustenance.

Christianity, Judaism, and Islam say to pray to God to solve our problems. Their teachings say that we cannot (and should not) solve any problems ourselves, and, in fact, by solving problems ourselves we will anger God. (I can point to audio teachings from clergy which say this). This creates a culture of people who are completely devoid of the simple techniques to SEE problems at all... they spend so much time ignoring all issues that they create even more problems, which escalate the situations to epidemic proportions! In my humble opinion, this is not any solution: this is part of the disease. This way of thinking prepetuates staying in stuck lives and harmful patterns, waiting, waiting, while meanwhile they go on hurting others and themselves!!

The only solution is facing our lives directly, assssing who we are and what we do. We need to notice how we do everything, so we can move forward 'in solution'. While the Buddhists say, "just accept; be gentle with yourself and just accept", I have a different thought: assess, and be value-ful and change what is wrong. This may take a while to peel away the layers of conditioned-living, and it takes patience. It also takes love and support from ourselves and those around us. It takes honesty. It takes acceptance. And it takes us always wanting to get to the BOTTOM of the problem, the very ROOT, and knowing that there is a better way of living life healthfully, inside the mind and inside the body.

Do we see our imaginings, or the deeper truth?

I was thinking today about how we view people. It's true that we see others 'subjectively'; that is, through the "filter" of our own lives and experiences, because there is no "objective" viewpoint. We see everything with eyes of other thoughts.

However, I think about people we love. Those wonderful yet flawed people, that we still see with eyes of love. They may do something silly, or downright stupid (ie: causing harm to themselves and/or others), yet we still love them. Why is that? . . . could we actually have a view into the goodness in their soul and spirit, where our love can see past the layers of behaviors, down to their 'universal love' core?

The Buddhists call this "seeing everyone as the Buddha" (Buddha being the enlightened one, so seeing everyone as the Buddha means that we are seeing who they can become), and the Christians talk about seeing everyone as becoming like Christ. Either way, this is a spiritual question about the core of a human which transcends the physical (which passes away), the emotional (batted-about like the winds), or mental (since thoughts aren't real -- they are simply thoughts).

In other words, do we have a conduit into the true goodness of those we love, or are we simply blinded by that which we want to see in them?

Creating our reality

This is my first blog entry, and although I am normally a chatty-Cathy in writing-style, I find myself strangely shy about putting my thoughts in this format. Perhaps there is a learning curve :)

Meanwhile, despite my infancy in blogging, I am experimenting with "planning my day". The theory is that we, as with everything in the world, are inter-connected. The quantum-physicists have been discussing for many years about since matter is not solid (molecules are not 'firm', they have spaces), it can be manipulated. The Buddhists discuss that we are interconnected with each other, trees, the sky, etc, because each of these aspects need one another to live; that we can help affect others have a better day by sending out good thoughts. The Christians discuss prayer and God making things work out for the greater good, but not simply 'for us', so that the Divine is creating reality for us, but that we can help Him affect the world with our prayers. In each case, we are not passive 'accepters' of the world's occurences; we are co-creators of the world.

No matter what anyone specifically believes, we have all encountered examples where "serendipity" occurs; magical moments where amazing things develop which bring people closer, make new creative processes, 'coincidences' happen. I've heard it called "[people] dipping toes in the same Big Pond". Goethe mentions "when one decides on something, then providence moves too; all sorts of things occur to make the decision happen..."

I cannot anymore believe that we are simply victims in the world. We cannot say, "this happened to me", and think there is a great big turd (!) which befalls us everywhere we turn! As a wellness coach, I encourage my clients to assess themselves gently and honestly, and make changes to the aspects which aren't satisfying them.

If we have seen how awful things happen we we are having a bad day, can we make good things happen simply by planning them... and being ready if they don't happen as 'planned'? Can we actually wake up and 'decide' on wonderful things occurring (non-specific wonderful things, of course), so that we "create" our day, our week, our month? Can things which do occur which are inconvenient, actually happen so we have a better, more growing experience next?

I am starting this. Starting today, I have awoken with joy and gratitude, noting the wonderful things around me, and wishing for more of the same joy. I am not being specific about what I "need"; that is, I am not saying, "I need a million dollars dropped in unmarked bills on my front lawn" (although that would be awesome! ;) ). I am simply actively noting my interconnectedness o the world and offering myself in exchange for growth, learning, joy, and sustenance. I would like creative (artistic) opportunities which will fulfill my bill-paying needs. I would like to travel and learn, so I may pass the experiences to others. I imagine my dearest loved ones laughing, smiling, and having a great day. I imagine phone calls arriving to me with requests for unusual and creative things, enlightening visits with friends and associates, and peace inside them and me.

I sit in my plant-filled sunny-yellow sunroom, in my stuffed comfy chair, with the spring air flowing through, loud birds calling to one another, leaves bursting from their winter cocoons inside the tree branches, my cats watching nature's drama and joys unfold from their window perches, and I am so very grateful. With this gratitude I want to create more life -- more life for myself, and then for others, where we can experience the diversity of living.